P.Y.H.O. - Stressed and Scared

Yesterday was not a good day. It started out decent enough, but things started to unravel about the time my husband left for work and my eldest came home (he leaves about 30 minutes before her bus gets here).

• I tried to get dinner started at 4:00, but the stupid garlic bread was frozen together and I had to wait for it to thaw. 
• I figured while we were waiting, the kids could help me clean the kitchen and do the dishes. They just made a mess of the water and wasted the soap. 
• I messed up my spaghetti. How do I mess up my spaghetti?! I know I'm not a bad cook, yet for the last two nights, I've completely mucked up dinner. 
• I tried giving all the kids a bath last night. Put the baby in first, then put the eldest in, told her to wash up and that included her hair, came back downstairs, went into the basement to get my eldest daughter some clothes. I forgot I left my plate out. The baby got into it. Washed the baby again.
• Dia didn't wash her hair. Told her to get back in the tub. She washed her hair with the homemade bar soap. I got upset, because I know she knows how and what to wash her hair with. She says she's stupid. I stop to talk with her. 
• I still need to wash clothes because some twat colored on Dia's school pants with a hot pink marker. The girl was a lot bigger than her, too, I guess. I'm pretty pissed off...
• Gathered some laundry together. Came back upstairs, the baby got into the kids' spaghetti. I told them to take care of it earlier. By this point I'm beyond sick and tired of repeating myself. 
• By 9:30ish I get the kids in bed. But of course, they can't get a long. Make several trips upstairs. 
• Kids' DVD player in their TV broke. 
• All I want to do is go to sleep, but can't because of the stupid laundry. Remind myself that the kids need clothes and my husband needs new work boots (even though we just bought him a pair) and some gel inserts.
• Discover my bra is broke. You're kidding me?! I can't afford a new one right now! Break down crying. 

I'm scared. I don't know how I'm going to manage all this by myself. Every day. All day. Is every day going to be like this?

I know I just need to find a balance, but I've been working on that for over a year now. How am I going to manage four kids? A special needs child, a son who I'm pretty sure has ADHD, a toddler who's very attached to Mommy, and a baby...And I don't know how the baby's going to "turn out". I worry because it reminds me of my pregnancy with my eldest (the one with Asperger's).

Every night I hurt. I'm only 19 weeks and I feel like I'm about 30 weeks. My ribs feel like they're turning inside out, my pubic bone is incredibly sore by the end of the day, and throughout the day my hip just gives out whenever it feels like it. My kids just want to play and I'm getting to the point where I can't. Well, I can, I will just be hating life. 

And with Dia's teacher coming for a visit, I am struggling to get ahead with cleaning. And I still need to pack for the move. I'm scared we're not going to be ready. 

And I already miss my husband. I miss talking to him, even if it was about stuff I could care less about. I miss sleeping next to him. Sometimes, his snoring is what put me to sleep (as long as it wasn't loud). I'm already so lonely, it's not even silly. I'm not a needy person, but my husband is my best - and pretty much my only - friend. I don't drive, so it's not like I can go visit someone, or even go to the store. I'm scared this job driving my husband and I apart.

I'm scared of slipping into a depression I can't climb out of.  

Super(points) Tuesday and blog hoppin'

Connect with Posh on  a BudgetHop on the Tuesday Train with My Mad Mind, The House on the Corner, and The Survival Mama

Tuesday already? Yikes, where does the time go? My husband started his new job yesterday. He says he really likes it, even though the hours are long. Amazing what good co-workers can do for each other just by being pleasant and having a sense of humor. I know it's just day one, but I know it's better here than it has been at other factories. His other factory jobs didn't go well, which is what I was worried most about this place.

My eldest daughter's teacher called me. She wants to set up a home visit to see how she interacts here. I know this may sound weird and off-putting at a normal school, but this school is especially for those with Asperger's, ADHD, and other related issues. I won't deny though, that it does have me a bit concerned that they're trying to check in on me. I've never given them a reason to be concerned (at least, not that I'm aware of)...I've never sent her to school in dirty clothes. Ok, so they may have been  a tiny bit dirty from her eating breakfast. I don't even spank her. But she can be quite dramatic, and even my extended family thinks so. That last bit is what has me worried the most. I know once she comes here, and sees how I interact with my children, I will have nothing to worry about. But the state of my house still has me concerned. My husband is only awake for three, maybe four, hours a day. We move in about two weeks. I'm doing just about everything on my own now. I'm already experiencing some pretty uncomfortable hip and rib pain, and I'm just shy of halfway there (19 weeks). I haven't even given myself a chance to adjust when I unload this onto my plate.

What was I thinking??

My son's fourth birthday was yesterday, and I just about forgot. :shakes head: I wish we could have done something for him, but we're seriously strapped for cash right now (thank you, huband's ex-boss). I kept telling him happy birthday all day, and for a while there he was saying happy birthday back to me. When my daughter came home from school, and I reminded her it was his birthday, she asked why we didn't have a cake. My son got excited and squealed "Caaaake?!?!". I told him, we didn't have the money for one right now. He ran upstairs and grabbed some change from one of the bedrooms. He brought down 53 cents, and in his little squeaky voice said "Now we have money, Mommy." My heart melted and I felt bad... Same exact time last year we were moving into this place. We'll be doing something later, but it still doesn't help alleviate this Mommy Guilt #43754.


As a special thank you for stopping by, here are this week's Superpoints invites. Just click a link and sign up, you don't even have to be a follower of my blog. Thanks for reading!

Invite 1

Invite 2

Invite 3

Invite 4

Feel free to poke around my blog and leave a comment if you like. And be sure to stay tuned for my first review and giveaway coming up within the a week!

The good, the bad, and the Fawk You's

The good...


My husband got a new job! He starts Monday. The pay is really good for entry level and, provided he can learn how to run the machines, it's something he can "hang his hat on". He was hired right on the spot by the head honcho.

My first review and giveaway is coming up. I'm really excited about it! I don't want to divulge too much info about it yet. So stay tuned.

The bad...


My husband is going to be working third shift and 12 hour days, 5 days a week. This means I have to get used to sleeping by myself...Even when he has insomnia, I'm waking up every couple of hours and making him lay down with me. This also means he's going to be pretty much non-existent during the week, and possibly on Saturdays. I honestly am worried about my sanity and how I'll manage with 3 (4) kids.

My father-in-law wants us to stay until spring.  I think, partially, it's because he wants us around, but mostly so we have plenty of money to fall back on. Which, is fine, I want that too. But I worry that we'll wear out our welcome. And I know that my kids can become a bit much and don't want to add any unnecessary strain on them. I was hoping to have my father and his family come up and stay with us shortly after the birth, but I doubt this will happen now. My in-laws are also heavy smokers. While I'm a smoker, I smoke outside or in my mom cave, and I'm not going to ask my ailing in-laws to smoke elsewhere in their own house.

My husband won't be able to take time off once the baby arrives. The factory he'll be working for does vacation time in this weird way to where he won't have any until 2013, I believe. This blows goats. He will maybe take a day (mayybe two) for the birth, but that's it.

Back the good for a second...


All of my husband's time away may actually do some good for us. While I'm not looking forward to being a theoretical single mother, it may improve our relationship.

The Fawk Yous 


We had posted my husband's huge collection of Magic the Gathering cards on Craigslist. Five thousand cards for $125. I have been bombarded with emails about what rare cards were in this lot. Would we take more pics? Will we take $50 for them? I have been conversing with this one nerd in particular all friggin' week.  At times, I was yelling at my computer screen because of his jackassery. Here is our conversation over the last week. I've omitted personal info, and what I wanted to write will be italicized.

Him: How huge a set of mtg.. Ill take them now.. U have any pix.. Or info..
     2nd email: I have cash in hand.. Just let me know..
Me:There's approximately 3000 cards. Including rares, uncommons, land...and commons, naturally. New and old editions. Would like $150, but price is negotiable.

If you have anymore questions, let me know. Thanks.  

~I attached some pictures which didn't send properly. The next several emails aren't of much importance. Just sending pics.

Him: Well the pix were clear.. But I have 5 of most of the rares and 20 lightning bolts.. So unless there are more rares that u can list.. Maybe 50-75  Well, good for you. But there's no way in hell you're getting these for $50. 

Me: Here's a pic of a number of rares. Don't know if you can see it, but there's a fatty stack of rares in there, too. There's still over 100 more. And I underestimated my original count of 3k, it's closer to 5k cards (counted a hundred rares. Used it for measuring). Won't take less than 100 for them, which is a great deal. I wish I catalogue things ffor you, but we're pressed for time. ~I attached another pic of more rares. At this point we were getting angry. We could tell he was trying to play games with us. But we continued to converse with him since he seemed interested. 

Him:  I can see most pretty clearly..well there are only 100 rares.. No, dummy...Can't you read??

Me: There's a hundred there. There's more that you can't see...I've got three kids to take care of, I can't go any lower. There's three other people looking at them, take it or leave it. Don't mistake my parenthood for weakness...This was just a nice way of telling you you're being an ass. 

Him: Guess 100 isn't too bad... Did u sell them already? No, it's not. There's 5,000 cards there.

Me: Yes they're still available, for now.

Him: Well.. How far off of [the highway] are u guys.. R u close to [the] mall?

Gave where abouts. 

Him a few days later: So did they sell in your yard sale? Or are they still available.. :blink blink: 

Me: No, we didn't put them out. I was going to post them on Craigslist. If you're still interested, the price is still $100.

Him: Oh.. Well that sucks...lol.. Good thing I didn't come out.. Well likd I said from the pix .. I have most oh the rares.. I could maybe do 50-75. For them all.. Don't give a shit how many of the rares you say you have. I said the price is $100. If you don't want the rares, sell them on Ebay. 

Me: He didn't put them out on purpose...Didn't want greasy hands just thumbing through them. We're not going to sell them for any less than $100. If you bought this at $100 you're getting each card for like 2 cents. If I go any lower, I might as well just give them away - and that's not happening. lol

Him: Well that's good u wanted to protect them.. Well maybe 75-100 somewere in there could work.. Did I stutter?? 

Me (very pissed off at this point): $90 is the lowest we'll go. That's it... Dickface...

Him: Well can u maybe take another pic of the other rares for me.. Ill c if I have any.. Then go from there..is that cool.. Well, can you kiss my ass? No it's not cool. I've done enough for you. Gone way lower than we wanted.  I didn't even reply, because nothing I wanted to say could be put nicely. At this point, he could offer $200 and we wouldn't take it. It's insulting. 

Him a few days late (this morning)r: So no pix? Fuck off. I don't think I'm going to reply to this one either. 

P.Y.H.O. - My source of strength

As messed up and uncertain things may be at the moment, feeling these little baby kicks and seeing my children's smiling faces make it all better. Granted this is not what I want for them, but they're the reason why I continue on.

Ten years ago, I was the last person you'd imagine with 3 (4) kids and loving every minute of it. Well, most...not fond of cleaning up poop from the furniture. I was reckless. I was homeless. I didn't date due to a previous horrible relationship, and when I finally did, they'd maybe last three months. Even I didn't think I was going to have kids - and if so, just one.

Then I met my husband and it all changed.

Things have been rough for us for most of the time. I have struggled with depression since I was very, very young. I used to write, but no longer could. It's through these times when I've relied on my children as my source of strength.

In those dark moments when I'd allow my depression to take hold of me, I would think about my kids. I would think about how their life would be without me, and I found the strength to push through it.

I think about that sparkle in their eyes when they smile or laugh. I utterly adore their laugh.

I think about their tiny hands in mine, even if they're trying to squirm away.

I remember back to the day they were born. Even if I was terrified and unsure of how I'd fare as a mother...

I recall how my heart beamed at their first steps, first words, and first times they danced.

I love our silly conversations. I look forward to more.

I love discovering  and watching their interests grow. Even if I don't understand them or find them annoying.

I love the expressions they make and the silly things they do. I would rather watch them than tv.

I never imagined that someone so tiny could have such an impact on me.

Sure, I may be considered "boring" now. Sure, I may annoy you with how much I talk about my kids.  Yes, I do miss "me" and I'm struggling to find that person I once knew. But, my kids have literally saved my life. And when all hope seems gone, I look to them and know this is not true.

Fawk You Friday

If you wanna join in on all the Fawk You fun, head on over to Boobies, Babies, and a Blog and My Mad Mind and link up! If you haven't, you should. It's very therapeutic. 

In case you're just tuning in, you should really read these two posts as this post is mostly pertaining to them. Click here and here, please...

P.Y.H.O - Finding the silver lining

Having had some time to come to terms with yesterday's post (well, the other day now), we've found some good in my husband losing his job. Granted, this means we have to move while I'm pregnant, into my in-laws', and find a caretaker for our cat (I refuse to give her up). I'm concerned about my daughter being able to attend her school...I'm concerned if I will be able to give birth at the birthing center...but I think this will all turn out.

Contains mild language

Super(points) Tuesday & Blog Hoppin'

Still coming to terms with yesterday's events. So, I'm taking my mind off of things with the Tuesday Train (with My Mad Mind, The House on the Corner, & The Survival Mama) and Tuesday Google Friend Connect.







I also want to share with you some Superpoints invites, just for stopping by. Happy hopping!

Invite 1

Invite 2
Invite 3 with an extra 25 points