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Monday, May 4, 2009

When something seems too good to be true

It usually is...

We've been trying for another baby for quite some time now.

I finally got a positive pregnancy test on 4.20.09. My EDD was December 26th.

"Nothing" about describes my self-worth about right now.

It took about a year to get this far, and now it's being taken away. Again.

Amazing how two pink lines can tear you down.

Last week, I started cramping mildly. Didn't think much of it as I know it's normal. But then it got severe and I started spotting, but only mildly. I went to the ER, they drew blood which has left me looking like a junkie. Waited three hours for a sonogram which turned up nothing but fluid and debris. They told me it was early so I held out hope.

But, inside, I realized something was wrong. I tried denying it as much as possible. Most of the symptoms I once had - albeit brief - were gone. Not much ignoring that one...

The stars, the sky, it's way too much for me
I sit and wait for what was once believed

I sit, I watch, I wait

Follow up, I get more blood work done. The doctor's projections aren't good. Blood work shows that my levels are decreasing (They're supposed to double every other day in the first trimester. If they increase at a normal rate, that's good. If they increase abnormally, it means ectopic. Decreases are bad news.)

Still, my body holds out hope although my mind does not. Still I wait for the inevitable. Reflecting on the things I did or could have done. I still don't understand it.

Nothing's in full swing yet. It's happening very slowly, much to my chagrin.

I feel like I'm going this alone. He's appeared to have gotten over it much more quickly than I. He doesn't have that constant reminder.

To answer any questions that anyone has:
How am I feeling? Like shit, naturally. I feel low, inadequate, and angry. Last time I cried this much was when I got pregnant with Dillinger and was unsure of his future. I'm also feeling a little crazy...Like it was all in my head. Last time, I got to see a heartbeat. This time, nothing other than a positive pregnancy test. I feel like my heart's been ripped from my chest and then replaced with only enough of it replaced so it can preform its basic function.

Am I ok? At times, no. But I've had a week and I have my two kids, so it makes things a bit easier. But the sporadic cramping and spotting makes it hard to get over this as quickly as I would like.

What's next/Do you know what's going on? I don't rightfully know
. I have to get more blood drawn tomorrow, I believe, to find out what I already know. And then I imagine some testing to figure out why...which may or may not turn up anything.

Are you going to try again? At this point, my mind says I don't want to. I don't want to find out that something's wrong with me. I'm afraid of another miscarriage (which now my chances are at 40% chance of recurrence). I'm afraid of another frightening pregnancy. But my heart states otherwise. I know it's all worth it.

What I ask of you.

* I'm an atheist. Please don't ask me to pray.
* Be understanding if I don't seem as happy as you about your pregnancy. It's nothing personal, it just hurts.
* Forgive me if I show a lack of enthusiasm about something not pregnancy related. I'm probably lost in my thoughts and/or trying not to break down.
* Keep advice on what I "should do during my next pregnancy" at a minimum.
* If it appears I do not want to talk about it, please let's not. Sometimes I might though...Follow the clues/look at my body language.

This Christmas is going to suck...


@eloh said...

You are really into this blogging, aren't you. My niece knits, I've tried, I did quilt a lot up until a couple years ago.

Anyway, I looked through your posts, beautiful babies you have.

DazzleMea said...

Thank you ^^

Yeah, I should probably get out more, but...nah

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