My dear son,
I have tried to write this countless times. Yet, each time I try to write, there are truly no words to express this profound guilt I carry with me. Each time, I'd maybe muster a few sentences, but it always fell short.
The words, "I'm sorry" simply do not feel like it's enough. I don't feel like there's anything I can say that will help make up for what I've done.
When you were born, you were perfect. Not that you're any less perfect now, there was just no true need for what we did. And after nearly losing you while pregnant, I can't believe I chose to put you at risk for losing you again.
I had chosen to have you circumcised. When I learned what it truly was when you were 9 months old, I cried the hardest I've cried in a long time. I cried every day for weeks. Three years later I still cry about it, but not as frequently. But there isn't a day that goes by where I don't hate myself for the decision I made.
Every day I live in fear that you will grow up to hate me for taking away your right to choose. It is your body. It was not my right to decide for you.
I am angry at myself. I wouldn't circumcise my daughters - I won't even pierce their ears. I don't like anyone else telling me what I should do with my body...Why would I be such a hypocrite?
As a mother, it is my duty to protect you, and I willingly let someone cut off a part of your body. I feel like I've failed you. I feel like I've failed as a mother. I am eternally sorry.
From the time that you were 4 months old, you wouldn't allow anyone to clean you there. You would cry out in pain and writhe away, and I know this is my fault.
I should have done more research myself. I wish I wouldn't have let myself feel overwhelmed at all the info out there. I had hoped that the nurses would have been able to provide better information, considering...you know...they had seen it everyday. But she had minimized the procedure. I asked that they use some sort of anesthetic, but they brought you back screaming, and I knew they did not.
I was always unsure about it. I should have trusted my instinct.
And with the new baby on the way, a new fear has arisen. If it's a boy, I have already decided not to. I had made that decision a long time ago, actually. However, I worry that as the two of you grow, you will resent the fact that he was left intact and you were not.
I can only hope, that if you are upset with our decision, that you can forgive me.
Disclaimer: This was a very difficult post to write. I'd rather not have to deal with inconsiderate comments.
Linking this post up with Shell's P.Y.H.O.
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