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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I am all, I am nothing (Pour Your Heart Out)

I think I'm going to start participating in another meme since there's some things I want to get off my chest. This one's hosted by the mind behind Things I Can't Say. I've read her blog before, a long time ago, but apparently, am not a subscribed reader. I thought I was...

I can't identify myself with one thing. Well, there is one thing I'll label myself as, but I'm not comfortable in divulging that information yet. Maybe one day...This is something that's gone on since before I can even remember. I'm not sure if it's because I'm mixed and never felt accepted, or what. BTW, nobody look into this as an argument against biracial couples who choose to have kids (or not). This has little to do with that than it does your need for everything to be in black and white instead of accepting the gray area. So, fuck off... I grew up my entire life with few believing I was black, Native American, and white. My kids are going to have it worse... Just the other week, I got a surprising stare when I enrolled my daughter in school.

School employee: I see you have her marked down as  being black and Native American...

Me: Yes. My father is..

School employee: Oh!...:Insert stupid, disbelieving face here:

Me: Mmm-hmm. Why would I fucking lie about that??
But I also listen mostly to punk or thrash/post-hardcore/what-the-fuck-ever-fuck-your-subgenre-b.s..So, I'm sure that doesn't help anything. Although there are plenty of black hardcore bands out there...  And I do listen to some rap...so there.

I have an extremely hard time identifying myself as one race or another. I kind of blame society for needing to put labels on everything. Obviously, as I stated in my mini-rant above. I can't identify myself as one or the other because there's something about each culture that makes up a part of me.

There's more.. But the next bits are more recent.

While I am into attachment parenting, I don't consider myself an attachment parent. While I'm a big proponent of breastfeeding and milk banking, I'm not a breast nazi. I'm strongly against  circumcision (without patient consent...just don't want anyone thinking I'm 100% anti-circumcision...it's happened), but I don't consider myself an intactivist. I don't argue with people who refuse to listen.

I'm a mom, but I'm not your typical mom...

I love punk, but don't consider myself punk.

I consider myself an artist, but I don't have time to create anymore.

I'm frequently an asshole, but not a complete asshole...

You see what I'm getting at? If I can't identify myself as one or the other, can I truly have an identity? Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm doing...I don't even know what I want as a career...

I do know some things though, I suppose. Now that I think about it. I care too much. I want to change too much. I want people to stop being harmed over diamonds. No animals or children to suffer. I want  to do so much, but I can't figure out what exactly...


Tara R. said...

I get that feeling sometimes when I have no idea who I am or what I'm doing. I hate labels. Whether they are about race/ethnicity, sexuality, mental acuity... it shouldn't matter. It's only a small part of what makes us who we are, it doesn't define us.

I did like this though: 'I'm frequently an asshole, but not a complete asshole...' I can relate to that one.

Shell said...

I'm starting to believe that most of us live in that gray area of things and that labels just don't help much.

Anonymous said...

Really my comment did post? I don't think I can be as articulate the second time around. I had essentially said that I think everyone lives in the gray area even when they're pretending not to. No one is exactly the label they are portrayig or people are percieving. A coworker and now friend of mine told me that when she first met me she thought I was stuck up. She mistook my shyness for conceit. I think people are rarely what others percieve them to be.

DazzleMea said...

My entire life I've hated labels...I don't understand why I'm feeling like I need to search for one now...Maybe it's because I'm a mom now and I don't want to "disappear"?

And @lostandforgotten, that's happened to me many times...even on my own blog. lol. I agree though. In fact, I've made the same mistake myself in misjudging someone. I try not to anymore.

Donna @ The House on the Corner said...

Maybe it is related to you being a mom now. I know for myself - I felt like I had to reinvent myself - with each of my three children. I guess with an event as life changing as bringing another human being into the world, it makes us stop and rethink about who WE are.

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