P.Y.H.O. - Stressed and Scared

Yesterday was not a good day. It started out decent enough, but things started to unravel about the time my husband left for work and my eldest came home (he leaves about 30 minutes before her bus gets here).

• I tried to get dinner started at 4:00, but the stupid garlic bread was frozen together and I had to wait for it to thaw. 
• I figured while we were waiting, the kids could help me clean the kitchen and do the dishes. They just made a mess of the water and wasted the soap. 
• I messed up my spaghetti. How do I mess up my spaghetti?! I know I'm not a bad cook, yet for the last two nights, I've completely mucked up dinner. 
• I tried giving all the kids a bath last night. Put the baby in first, then put the eldest in, told her to wash up and that included her hair, came back downstairs, went into the basement to get my eldest daughter some clothes. I forgot I left my plate out. The baby got into it. Washed the baby again.
• Dia didn't wash her hair. Told her to get back in the tub. She washed her hair with the homemade bar soap. I got upset, because I know she knows how and what to wash her hair with. She says she's stupid. I stop to talk with her. 
• I still need to wash clothes because some twat colored on Dia's school pants with a hot pink marker. The girl was a lot bigger than her, too, I guess. I'm pretty pissed off...
• Gathered some laundry together. Came back upstairs, the baby got into the kids' spaghetti. I told them to take care of it earlier. By this point I'm beyond sick and tired of repeating myself. 
• By 9:30ish I get the kids in bed. But of course, they can't get a long. Make several trips upstairs. 
• Kids' DVD player in their TV broke. 
• All I want to do is go to sleep, but can't because of the stupid laundry. Remind myself that the kids need clothes and my husband needs new work boots (even though we just bought him a pair) and some gel inserts.
• Discover my bra is broke. You're kidding me?! I can't afford a new one right now! Break down crying. 

I'm scared. I don't know how I'm going to manage all this by myself. Every day. All day. Is every day going to be like this?

I know I just need to find a balance, but I've been working on that for over a year now. How am I going to manage four kids? A special needs child, a son who I'm pretty sure has ADHD, a toddler who's very attached to Mommy, and a baby...And I don't know how the baby's going to "turn out". I worry because it reminds me of my pregnancy with my eldest (the one with Asperger's).

Every night I hurt. I'm only 19 weeks and I feel like I'm about 30 weeks. My ribs feel like they're turning inside out, my pubic bone is incredibly sore by the end of the day, and throughout the day my hip just gives out whenever it feels like it. My kids just want to play and I'm getting to the point where I can't. Well, I can, I will just be hating life. 

And with Dia's teacher coming for a visit, I am struggling to get ahead with cleaning. And I still need to pack for the move. I'm scared we're not going to be ready. 

And I already miss my husband. I miss talking to him, even if it was about stuff I could care less about. I miss sleeping next to him. Sometimes, his snoring is what put me to sleep (as long as it wasn't loud). I'm already so lonely, it's not even silly. I'm not a needy person, but my husband is my best - and pretty much my only - friend. I don't drive, so it's not like I can go visit someone, or even go to the store. I'm scared this job driving my husband and I apart.

I'm scared of slipping into a depression I can't climb out of.  

Super(points) Tuesday and blog hoppin'

Connect with Posh on  a BudgetHop on the Tuesday Train with My Mad Mind, The House on the Corner, and The Survival Mama

Tuesday already? Yikes, where does the time go? My husband started his new job yesterday. He says he really likes it, even though the hours are long. Amazing what good co-workers can do for each other just by being pleasant and having a sense of humor. I know it's just day one, but I know it's better here than it has been at other factories. His other factory jobs didn't go well, which is what I was worried most about this place.

My eldest daughter's teacher called me. She wants to set up a home visit to see how she interacts here. I know this may sound weird and off-putting at a normal school, but this school is especially for those with Asperger's, ADHD, and other related issues. I won't deny though, that it does have me a bit concerned that they're trying to check in on me. I've never given them a reason to be concerned (at least, not that I'm aware of)...I've never sent her to school in dirty clothes. Ok, so they may have been  a tiny bit dirty from her eating breakfast. I don't even spank her. But she can be quite dramatic, and even my extended family thinks so. That last bit is what has me worried the most. I know once she comes here, and sees how I interact with my children, I will have nothing to worry about. But the state of my house still has me concerned. My husband is only awake for three, maybe four, hours a day. We move in about two weeks. I'm doing just about everything on my own now. I'm already experiencing some pretty uncomfortable hip and rib pain, and I'm just shy of halfway there (19 weeks). I haven't even given myself a chance to adjust when I unload this onto my plate.

What was I thinking??

My son's fourth birthday was yesterday, and I just about forgot. :shakes head: I wish we could have done something for him, but we're seriously strapped for cash right now (thank you, huband's ex-boss). I kept telling him happy birthday all day, and for a while there he was saying happy birthday back to me. When my daughter came home from school, and I reminded her it was his birthday, she asked why we didn't have a cake. My son got excited and squealed "Caaaake?!?!". I told him, we didn't have the money for one right now. He ran upstairs and grabbed some change from one of the bedrooms. He brought down 53 cents, and in his little squeaky voice said "Now we have money, Mommy." My heart melted and I felt bad... Same exact time last year we were moving into this place. We'll be doing something later, but it still doesn't help alleviate this Mommy Guilt #43754.


As a special thank you for stopping by, here are this week's Superpoints invites. Just click a link and sign up, you don't even have to be a follower of my blog. Thanks for reading!

Invite 1

Invite 2

Invite 3

Invite 4

Feel free to poke around my blog and leave a comment if you like. And be sure to stay tuned for my first review and giveaway coming up within the a week!

The good, the bad, and the Fawk You's

The good...


My husband got a new job! He starts Monday. The pay is really good for entry level and, provided he can learn how to run the machines, it's something he can "hang his hat on". He was hired right on the spot by the head honcho.

My first review and giveaway is coming up. I'm really excited about it! I don't want to divulge too much info about it yet. So stay tuned.

The bad...


My husband is going to be working third shift and 12 hour days, 5 days a week. This means I have to get used to sleeping by myself...Even when he has insomnia, I'm waking up every couple of hours and making him lay down with me. This also means he's going to be pretty much non-existent during the week, and possibly on Saturdays. I honestly am worried about my sanity and how I'll manage with 3 (4) kids.

My father-in-law wants us to stay until spring.  I think, partially, it's because he wants us around, but mostly so we have plenty of money to fall back on. Which, is fine, I want that too. But I worry that we'll wear out our welcome. And I know that my kids can become a bit much and don't want to add any unnecessary strain on them. I was hoping to have my father and his family come up and stay with us shortly after the birth, but I doubt this will happen now. My in-laws are also heavy smokers. While I'm a smoker, I smoke outside or in my mom cave, and I'm not going to ask my ailing in-laws to smoke elsewhere in their own house.

My husband won't be able to take time off once the baby arrives. The factory he'll be working for does vacation time in this weird way to where he won't have any until 2013, I believe. This blows goats. He will maybe take a day (mayybe two) for the birth, but that's it.

Back the good for a second...


All of my husband's time away may actually do some good for us. While I'm not looking forward to being a theoretical single mother, it may improve our relationship.

The Fawk Yous 


We had posted my husband's huge collection of Magic the Gathering cards on Craigslist. Five thousand cards for $125. I have been bombarded with emails about what rare cards were in this lot. Would we take more pics? Will we take $50 for them? I have been conversing with this one nerd in particular all friggin' week.  At times, I was yelling at my computer screen because of his jackassery. Here is our conversation over the last week. I've omitted personal info, and what I wanted to write will be italicized.

Him: How huge a set of mtg.. Ill take them now.. U have any pix.. Or info..
     2nd email: I have cash in hand.. Just let me know..
Me:There's approximately 3000 cards. Including rares, uncommons, land...and commons, naturally. New and old editions. Would like $150, but price is negotiable.

If you have anymore questions, let me know. Thanks.  

~I attached some pictures which didn't send properly. The next several emails aren't of much importance. Just sending pics.

Him: Well the pix were clear.. But I have 5 of most of the rares and 20 lightning bolts.. So unless there are more rares that u can list.. Maybe 50-75  Well, good for you. But there's no way in hell you're getting these for $50. 

Me: Here's a pic of a number of rares. Don't know if you can see it, but there's a fatty stack of rares in there, too. There's still over 100 more. And I underestimated my original count of 3k, it's closer to 5k cards (counted a hundred rares. Used it for measuring). Won't take less than 100 for them, which is a great deal. I wish I catalogue things ffor you, but we're pressed for time. ~I attached another pic of more rares. At this point we were getting angry. We could tell he was trying to play games with us. But we continued to converse with him since he seemed interested. 

Him:  I can see most pretty clearly..well there are only 100 rares.. No, dummy...Can't you read??

Me: There's a hundred there. There's more that you can't see...I've got three kids to take care of, I can't go any lower. There's three other people looking at them, take it or leave it. Don't mistake my parenthood for weakness...This was just a nice way of telling you you're being an ass. 

Him: Guess 100 isn't too bad... Did u sell them already? No, it's not. There's 5,000 cards there.

Me: Yes they're still available, for now.

Him: Well.. How far off of [the highway] are u guys.. R u close to [the] mall?

Gave where abouts. 

Him a few days later: So did they sell in your yard sale? Or are they still available.. :blink blink: 

Me: No, we didn't put them out. I was going to post them on Craigslist. If you're still interested, the price is still $100.

Him: Oh.. Well that sucks...lol.. Good thing I didn't come out.. Well likd I said from the pix .. I have most oh the rares.. I could maybe do 50-75. For them all.. Don't give a shit how many of the rares you say you have. I said the price is $100. If you don't want the rares, sell them on Ebay. 

Me: He didn't put them out on purpose...Didn't want greasy hands just thumbing through them. We're not going to sell them for any less than $100. If you bought this at $100 you're getting each card for like 2 cents. If I go any lower, I might as well just give them away - and that's not happening. lol

Him: Well that's good u wanted to protect them.. Well maybe 75-100 somewere in there could work.. Did I stutter?? 

Me (very pissed off at this point): $90 is the lowest we'll go. That's it... Dickface...

Him: Well can u maybe take another pic of the other rares for me.. Ill c if I have any.. Then go from there..is that cool.. Well, can you kiss my ass? No it's not cool. I've done enough for you. Gone way lower than we wanted.  I didn't even reply, because nothing I wanted to say could be put nicely. At this point, he could offer $200 and we wouldn't take it. It's insulting. 

Him a few days late (this morning)r: So no pix? Fuck off. I don't think I'm going to reply to this one either. 

P.Y.H.O. - My source of strength

As messed up and uncertain things may be at the moment, feeling these little baby kicks and seeing my children's smiling faces make it all better. Granted this is not what I want for them, but they're the reason why I continue on.

Ten years ago, I was the last person you'd imagine with 3 (4) kids and loving every minute of it. Well, most...not fond of cleaning up poop from the furniture. I was reckless. I was homeless. I didn't date due to a previous horrible relationship, and when I finally did, they'd maybe last three months. Even I didn't think I was going to have kids - and if so, just one.

Then I met my husband and it all changed.

Things have been rough for us for most of the time. I have struggled with depression since I was very, very young. I used to write, but no longer could. It's through these times when I've relied on my children as my source of strength.

In those dark moments when I'd allow my depression to take hold of me, I would think about my kids. I would think about how their life would be without me, and I found the strength to push through it.

I think about that sparkle in their eyes when they smile or laugh. I utterly adore their laugh.

I think about their tiny hands in mine, even if they're trying to squirm away.

I remember back to the day they were born. Even if I was terrified and unsure of how I'd fare as a mother...

I recall how my heart beamed at their first steps, first words, and first times they danced.

I love our silly conversations. I look forward to more.

I love discovering  and watching their interests grow. Even if I don't understand them or find them annoying.

I love the expressions they make and the silly things they do. I would rather watch them than tv.

I never imagined that someone so tiny could have such an impact on me.

Sure, I may be considered "boring" now. Sure, I may annoy you with how much I talk about my kids.  Yes, I do miss "me" and I'm struggling to find that person I once knew. But, my kids have literally saved my life. And when all hope seems gone, I look to them and know this is not true.

Fawk You Friday

If you wanna join in on all the Fawk You fun, head on over to Boobies, Babies, and a Blog and My Mad Mind and link up! If you haven't, you should. It's very therapeutic. 

In case you're just tuning in, you should really read these two posts as this post is mostly pertaining to them. Click here and here, please...

P.Y.H.O - Finding the silver lining

Having had some time to come to terms with yesterday's post (well, the other day now), we've found some good in my husband losing his job. Granted, this means we have to move while I'm pregnant, into my in-laws', and find a caretaker for our cat (I refuse to give her up). I'm concerned about my daughter being able to attend her school...I'm concerned if I will be able to give birth at the birthing center...but I think this will all turn out.

Contains mild language

Super(points) Tuesday & Blog Hoppin'

Still coming to terms with yesterday's events. So, I'm taking my mind off of things with the Tuesday Train (with My Mad Mind, The House on the Corner, & The Survival Mama) and Tuesday Google Friend Connect.







I also want to share with you some Superpoints invites, just for stopping by. Happy hopping!

Invite 1

Invite 2
Invite 3 with an extra 25 points

The very bad day...

Last night, while the baby went to be relatively easily, I could not. I knew that I was going to regret it.  I knew today was going to be bad. Little did I know how bad...

Rated PG for some language

Reblog: Domino Pads: Red Eye - White Eye - do you know why it's important?

Domino Pads: Red Eye - White Eye - do you know why it's important?

I just wanted to "reblog" this post I just read. If this type of cancer is caught early, it can be cured. You never know, you just may need this information (hopefully, not). I also would suggest in reading Sara's blog.

Cloth Diapering Tips Ep. 2 - Disposables

I know...Why am I talking about using disposables when there's so many great things about cloth diapering?

Sometimes, you end up using them...

When I was pregnant with my youngest, I had intended on using cloth right from the beginning. Well, after the hospital...Meconium can be a pain to get out of cloth and we already had enough to pack and bring home from the hospital. I had bought a package of infant sized prefolds that said will fit babies 7 lbs. and up. They kept telling me she was going to be big based on her ultrasounds. Well, she wasn't. When we brought her home from the hospital, she weighed about 6 1/2 lbs and only 18 1/2 inches long.

Her diapers simply didn't fit. Her legs were too skinny and the prefolds gapped around her legs. Which isn't something you don't want unless you want poo and urine flowing outside and onto your covers., possibly leaking everywhere (although, with the right fit cloth diaper/cover, you'll have fewer blow-outs vs. disposables). It was also very bulky around her waist and it seemed to make her uncomfortable. Yes, she was a princess and Her Majesty was not pleased...


In fact, they didn't fit her for quite a while, not until about 8-10 weeks. Thankfully, people had given us a few packages of newborn diapers, even though I had asked that if they were buy diapers, I would prefer cloth. I'm glad they didn't listen.

Something tells me it shouldn't come down to her knees...

There have also been times when she had needed disposables. I didn't think that this would ever happen... Occasionally, she will develop a rash that is just as stubborn as she is. Calendula creams, GSE, and plenty of airing out just didn't solve it. The main culprit was due to her acidic teething poops. So, we would put her in disposables until it cleared up enough to put cloth diapers back on her.

Long car trips was another time when we've used disposables. Plenty of people don't, but we do. I can't smell a poopy cloth diaper as easily as a disposable. And if she's teething, we need to change it fast. If you're worried about what to do with poopy diapers, wrap it up in a plastic bag and then toss it in with the rest of the non-poopy cloth diapers.

Nighttime diapering was another time when disposables came in handy. While my daughter was fine in doubling up with a prefold and insert inside a fitted one-size diaper, my son was not. And I bed-shared with each of them. Nothing worse than waking up to a wet bed and a cranky, hungry baby. There are options for this too, but it was not in our budget at the time. You can try buying a nighttime diaper. Sometimes, you still need extra absorbency with these, but you may not - it's all trial and error. Hemp is also really good at being super-absorbent, as is a wool cover.

If it's in your budget, I would definitely suggest in buying some newborn sized diapers. Keep in mind though, that your baby will probably grow out of them pretty quickly. In the case of my daughter, she didn't though, and buying a newborn package probably would have been the smarter choice if we had to pay for the disposables (but we didn't, so we didn't). Plus, you can always sell them when your baby's outgrown them, or donate them.

In the case of a stubborn rash or while traveling, they do have disposable inserts that you can buy. Grovia and Flip each have their own inserts that are made from biodegradable materials that you can choose to throw away or compost. I have never tried them, but I have heard they have a tendency to leak faster than cloth. You can try using them if you're trying to clear up a rash since you'll be changing frequently anyways, but they are more expensive than disposables. Flip's inserts are cheaper than Grovia's, and I imagine that you can use them in any cover if you don't have theirs (although, I love both their shells). GDiapers also has disposable inserts that you can flush. Again, I've never tried these diapers, but it's still an option.

Kelly's closet carries both hybrid diapers if you're interested in them.

Ultimately, do what you can...If you find that you need to use disposables, do not feel bad, do not beat yourself up. What you're using is still a small amount compared to someone who chooses to use nothing but disposables. You're still contributing to keeping our earth a bit cleaner...If you find yourself needing disposables because you can't afford to try the alternatives, I would suggest in buying store brands like Parent's Choice or Target's or Dollar General (that's usually our go-to disposable). I've personally found that these seem to cause less problems for my kids than the big names like Huggies, Luvs, and Pampers. I also haven't had any problems with them being made poorly (although, the occasional tab may rip off if your husband's a Strong Man). 

If there's anything else anyone would like to add to this or if you have any questions, please leave a comment!

Fawk You Friday - I shouldn't be, but I am...

Brought to you by Boobies, Babies, and a Blog and My Mad Mind. 

This week hasn't been too bad....But Dan's been home all week with a sprained ankle, and I woke up cranky this morning. I shouldn't have...but I did.

I Spy...

I've been excited about this new meme with My Mad Mind, Names Will Not Be Changed, and Dazee Dreamer. I'm generally kinda weird about posting my own photos. Not because I'm overly private, but...well, I'm weird, I guess. This week's themes are "weathered" and "blogger's choice".

However, I just went to the site where all my photos were hosted, and 
they're all gone...I want to cry. While I have many photos on an external hard drive, I think my husband deleted them.

Weathered

 My husband pulled out all the day lilies (save two) from our flower bed that lined our patio. It rained heavily that year, and by the time the year was through, all that was left was dirt and a scattering of mulch. Every time it rained, dirt would splatter everywhere...All over the patio, on the windows, and all over the plants.










This was the closest to weathered as I had...

Ok...I cheated and "weathered" a photo...lol. Well, I edited it quite some time ago. This was back from when I shaved my head to raise money for children's cancer research. I believe I was 6 months along with Kyri at the time.

















Blogger's Choice

 I miss the days when she used to act like she loved her brother...She used to be so sweet with him. Now, they do nothing but argue.

P.Y.H.O. - Writing for Therapy

I am not one who finds it easy to talk about my feelings. Not the superficials of health, music, etc. I'm talking about deep feelings. The things that have affected me profoundly; the things I'll probably carry with me for years or even the rest of my life. It just doesn't come natural to me. I will generally avoid it at all costs or minimalize it when forced to confront them. I'll shove it aside in an effort to placate what few relationships I have left.

Is it to save them? Us? Myself?

I haven't figured it out yet.

Instead, I write. I used to keep journals of these hidden feelings. Sometimes scrawled in rage and frequently tear-stained. Once I got married, I stopped for fear of my husband finding them. A lot of changes happened within the first two years of our relationship; we moved around a ton and our first child was born. Most of my notebooks are stashed away in a garage. The few I started up again frequently got commandeered by my children. Scribbles of trees and my children's names replaced the tear soaked feelings that quite often consumed my teen years.

I stopped writing. Almost all of my poems are gone. I used to be really good at it. I still struggle to get back that creativity I prized so much. It was my release...my therapy.

While I love looking back at my children's early drawings, I still miss mine.

Which is why I turned to blogging. I can finally start writing again without worry of Kool-Aid stains or it getting lost.But, I am still struggling to recapture my voice. I still cannot get that same feeling of release as I once did.

Which is why I'm thankful for your blogs and memes such as Pour You Heart Out (courtesy of Things I Can't Say). As you may or may not know, this pregnancy has had me hermitting myself away, isolating myself from what few relationships I have left. However, in my isolation, I have begun to confront feelings I thought had been resolved, but usually remained dormant. In one blog of note, Lost and Forgotten, I have made some profound breakthroughs (in the comments, I posted as Mea F (@Mme_Guillotine). I thought I had completely come to terms with things...Other blogs, like My Mad Mind and Names Will Not Be Changed to Protect the Innocent have helped mein ways I cannot begin to count. And others still, like Elohssanatahw and Boobies, Babies and a Blog (among countless others) have given me a good laugh when I've needed it.

Yet frequently, I will start to comment on your posts, but delete them for fear of it being misinterpreted in a multitude of ways (in meaning, in intention, etc.).

While we may never meet, nor will I ever be able to pick you out in a crowd, and you may or may not see this...Thank you. Even if I haven't mentioned you, or have yet to discover your blog, your writing has more influence than you know...

Tuesday Train, GFC, and Superpoints

Tuesday means it's time for the Tuesday Train with My Mad Mind, With Faith, Family, and Friends, The Survival Mama, and The House on the Corner. It's also time for Tuesday Friend Connect with Posh on a Budget! All lovely ladies with equally as lovely blogs. So join in and link up!

 I know I haven't been blogging too much this past week. I'm still trying to catch up after after my bout of shingles and getting my daughter ready for her first day back to school. More to come on that once I can pry out more information from her. All I usually get in reply to my questions is "Maybe..." and "I dunno...". I remember doing the same to my mom, lol. This past weekend was also filled with friends and family. But that's how holidays are supposed to be.

But, in the meantime, here's some invite links for Superpoints. If you haven't checked out this site yet, it's similar to Swagbucks, except it's invite only. You work towards earning products or gift cards. I decided to check it out for myself.

Usually, I'm not too fond of sites like these because I start getting a bunch of random crap, with promises of points, yet only getting lucky if I qualify for their stupid surveys. I hate giving a bunch of information only to be told I don't "qualify"...I swear they get their info and run... Superpoints, however, I enjoy. It's been pretty easy for me to earn points by completing surveys and playing their Super Lucky Button. It's worth at least checking out.


So, as a thank you for stopping by, whether you choose to follow or not, here's the invites. They can only be used once, so if one's gone, try the next (although, it'd be nice of you to leave a comment saying it's gone...)

Invite 1

Invite 2

Invite 3

Invite 4

Invite 5

Hope you've had a good week!

Time to let the "fawks" fly!

Yay for Fawk You Friday! Being a SAHM with minimal contact (mostly my choice lately) with much of anyone lately, I'm really grateful for the ladies behind Boobies, Babies, and a Blog and My Mad Mind for hosting F.Y.F. I just don't like complaining to people I know personally because it just generally causes more problems down the line.

Rated PG, but still a page jump for those easily offended.