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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

P.Y.H.O. - Writing for Therapy

I am not one who finds it easy to talk about my feelings. Not the superficials of health, music, etc. I'm talking about deep feelings. The things that have affected me profoundly; the things I'll probably carry with me for years or even the rest of my life. It just doesn't come natural to me. I will generally avoid it at all costs or minimalize it when forced to confront them. I'll shove it aside in an effort to placate what few relationships I have left.

Is it to save them? Us? Myself?

I haven't figured it out yet.

Instead, I write. I used to keep journals of these hidden feelings. Sometimes scrawled in rage and frequently tear-stained. Once I got married, I stopped for fear of my husband finding them. A lot of changes happened within the first two years of our relationship; we moved around a ton and our first child was born. Most of my notebooks are stashed away in a garage. The few I started up again frequently got commandeered by my children. Scribbles of trees and my children's names replaced the tear soaked feelings that quite often consumed my teen years.

I stopped writing. Almost all of my poems are gone. I used to be really good at it. I still struggle to get back that creativity I prized so much. It was my release...my therapy.

While I love looking back at my children's early drawings, I still miss mine.

Which is why I turned to blogging. I can finally start writing again without worry of Kool-Aid stains or it getting lost.But, I am still struggling to recapture my voice. I still cannot get that same feeling of release as I once did.

Which is why I'm thankful for your blogs and memes such as Pour You Heart Out (courtesy of Things I Can't Say). As you may or may not know, this pregnancy has had me hermitting myself away, isolating myself from what few relationships I have left. However, in my isolation, I have begun to confront feelings I thought had been resolved, but usually remained dormant. In one blog of note, Lost and Forgotten, I have made some profound breakthroughs (in the comments, I posted as Mea F (@Mme_Guillotine). I thought I had completely come to terms with things...Other blogs, like My Mad Mind and Names Will Not Be Changed to Protect the Innocent have helped mein ways I cannot begin to count. And others still, like Elohssanatahw and Boobies, Babies and a Blog (among countless others) have given me a good laugh when I've needed it.

Yet frequently, I will start to comment on your posts, but delete them for fear of it being misinterpreted in a multitude of ways (in meaning, in intention, etc.).

While we may never meet, nor will I ever be able to pick you out in a crowd, and you may or may not see this...Thank you. Even if I haven't mentioned you, or have yet to discover your blog, your writing has more influence than you know...


Angie said...

Writing is my therapy, too. It's so much easier to put thoughts down on paper or a blog post sometimes. As long as you have a form of therapy that works for you and helps you sort out what's going on in your mind, that's important. Keep writing. XO

Shell said...

Try not to read too much into it- most bloggers are just happy for the comment!

Anonymous said...

I am so glad I was able to help. You have no idea how much that means. I used to write all the time, and then I got too busy and didn't have the time. So I bottled everything up inside and then two years ago it sort of burst. So I started writing again, and it helped again. I find myself already slipping into this thing where I'm writing less for release and more for an audience -- and I hate that. Thank you for reminding me that blogging/writing is for ME. =)

Anonymous said...

Okay, you just made my day. XO

Don't ever delete your comments! I think you're amazing...vocal, outspoken...I have so much respect for that.

In the mean time, keep on blogging babay!

Jenna said...

Im so glad you linked up and I got to learn more about you. You sound a lot like me. I used to write, and then I stopped bc I didnt want to share it with my ex. And being involved in writing as therapy and expression, and getting to know other bloggers, it has really blessed me. Thanks for the validation.

DazzleMea said...

@lostandforgotten: I'm so glad I was able to help you too then! lol. It's hard to maintain the balance of drawing in an audience and writing for yourself (if that's what you're going for, that is).

@Boobies Aww, thanks! =) I feel totally the same way about you and your blog...Yes, I'm happy to say I'm gay for your blog. lol

I truly find it amazing how blogging can affect us. How take these impersonal letters, send them across the anonymity that is the internet, and transform them into something great. ...makes our world seem less lonely...

Or something like that. I dunno. I had something good going on in my head, but the baby's crying. lol

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