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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

P.Y.H.O. - Stressed and Scared

Yesterday was not a good day. It started out decent enough, but things started to unravel about the time my husband left for work and my eldest came home (he leaves about 30 minutes before her bus gets here).

  • I tried to get dinner started at 4:00, but the stupid garlic bread was frozen together and I had to wait for it to thaw. 
  • I figured while we were waiting, the kids could help me clean the kitchen and do the dishes. They just made a mess of the water and wasted the soap. 
  • I messed up my spaghetti. How do I mess up my spaghetti?! I know I'm not a bad cook, yet for the last two nights, I've completely mucked up dinner. 
  • I tried giving all the kids a bath last night. Put the baby in first, then put the eldest in, told her to wash up and that included her hair, came back downstairs, went into the basement to get my eldest daughter some clothes. I forgot I left my plate out. The baby got into it. Washed the baby again.
  • Dia didn't wash her hair. Told her to get back in the tub. She washed her hair with the homemade bar soap. I got upset, because I know she knows how and what to wash her hair with. She says she's stupid. I stop to talk with her. 
  • I still need to wash clothes because some twat colored on Dia's school pants with a hot pink marker. The girl was a lot bigger than her, too, I guess. I'm pretty pissed off...
  • Gathered some laundry together. Came back upstairs, the baby got into the kids' spaghetti. I told them to take care of it earlier. By this point I'm beyond sick and tired of repeating myself. 
  • By 9:30ish I get the kids in bed. But of course, they can't get a long. Make several trips upstairs. 
  • Kids' DVD player in their TV broke. 
  • All I want to do is go to sleep, but can't because of the stupid laundry. Remind myself that the kids need clothes and my husband needs new work boots (even though we just bought him a pair) and some gel inserts.
  • Discover my bra is broke. You're kidding me?! I can't afford a new one right now! Break down crying. 
I'm scared. I don't know how I'm going to manage all this by myself. Every day. All day. Is every day going to be like this?

I know I just need to find a balance, but I've been working on that for over a year now. How am I going to manage four kids? A special needs child, a son who I'm pretty sure has ADHD, a toddler who's very attached to Mommy, and a baby...And I don't know how the baby's going to "turn out". I worry because it reminds me of my pregnancy with my eldest (the one with Asperger's).

Every night I hurt. I'm only 19 weeks and I feel like I'm about 30 weeks. My ribs feel like they're turning inside out, my pubic bone is incredibly sore by the end of the day, and throughout the day my hip just gives out whenever it feels like it. My kids just want to play and I'm getting to the point where I can't. Well, I can, I will just be hating life. 

And with Dia's teacher coming for a visit, I am struggling to get ahead with cleaning. And I still need to pack for the move. I'm scared we're not going to be ready. 

And I already miss my husband. I miss talking to him, even if it was about stuff I could care less about. I miss sleeping next to him. Sometimes, his snoring is what put me to sleep (as long as it wasn't loud). I'm already so lonely, it's not even silly. I'm not a needy person, but my husband is my best - and pretty much my only - friend. I don't drive, so it's not like I can go visit someone, or even go to the store. I'm scared this job driving my husband and I apart.

I'm scared of slipping into a depression I can't climb out of.  


Dwija {House Unseen} said...

I totally know how you feel, truly! You are not alone. When my husband was working nights, no one seemed to understand just HOW hard that is. Hugs!

Freckles said...


New follower from the blog hop please come follow me back :)

Shell said...

You are dealing with a lot on your own. Don't forget to accept or ask for help when you need it!

~Rachée said...

Totally, totally understand how you feel! Some days are like this but not all of them. Ask for the help you need and take it. Don't be ashamed, scared or embarrassed. Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.

Anastasia said...

Oh you poor thing. I'm the one that works at night in our house, and it is so hard to find a balance. Remember you can always use your blog to vent! We're here to help you feel better. We all have those days.

Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] said...

I'm sorry you had such a rough day! It never fails that things only fall apart when our spouses are nowhere around to help out, right? Sending LOTS of hugs your way!

Stopping by from pyho

Adrienne said...

Sending you prayer of peace! Life is too much sometimes. I hope just writing this and comments of support will at least help to know you are not alone! Hang in there. {{{Hugs}}}

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your rough day, and I hope that things get better for you soon. It seems like your dealing with a lot right now on your own. Do you have any family or friends nearby who can help you carry some of the burden? If not, then I understand. Just do what you can and don't stress about what you can't do. It's hard to practice, but I've learned, it's so necessary.

Jessica {Team Rasler} said...

It's no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed; you have a LOT going on right now. I hope that you can get someone to help you out even for an hour somewhere so you can get a break, spend time with your husband, sleep, whatever! A little bit might go a long way.

DazzleMea said...

Thank you sooo much for your support! It really means a lot right now. I called my mom and sister to come out and help. My sister was going to stay a couple days to help me clean, but she got a phone call for a job interview. While I completely understood, I still cried... They did help greatly in the short time they were here, but I'm still worried about things getting done.

DazzleMea said...

Oh, and I did get to take a nap today. Albeit, 10 minutes, but it helped some.

Tiffany said...

I'm sorry to hear that you had a rough day. I have been there, even with two. You have to let go of the things that you think you failed on. It will eat you alive. I have dealt with depression myself and it's a tough place to be. Thankfully with support of others, I have climbed out of that place.
Good for you for calling for help. Even 10 minutes away from the chaos gives you some time to breathe, recollect your thoughts and head back to it. :)
Stopped by from Shell's PYHO.

Captain Cooks said...

I know exactly how you feel, but hubbys gone Mon-Thurs every week....uugghh....us mommys need to stick together!!!

Thanks foe the follow!!

Colie's Kitchen said...

Hi this is Nicole from Colie’s Kitchen I just discovered your blog and wanted to drop by and say hi. I am now a new follower. I would love to have you stop by Colie’s Kitchen if you get a chance. www.colieskitchen.com

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